man, is it difficult to find quiet throughout the day. granted i do have my quiet time in the morning. and i really enjoy it.

but throughout the day, i really want to make a conscious effort to be present in the moment, not carried off by it. i want to acknowledge God’s presence and leading, not drown Him out with what i’m doing. i want Him to lead me, to guide me. but in order to do that i have to be ready to listen to Him.

i wish there was some profound statement that would stick in my head that would help me to remember to listen. i wish that i was attentive enough to what is going on around me to actually notice when those opportunities come along to listen to the still small voice as it whispers after the earthquake and fire.

i want to listen.

i want to find the silence.

i want to be ready.

i don’t know if i’m just not seeking after it enough. or that when i find it, that i can’t shut my mind up long enough.

i do know that i desire it.

He says that we will find Him when we seek Him with all of our heart. i must have something holding me back. it may be my schedule. it may be that, given the opportunity, i will work on office stuff all day if my wife doesn’t stop me. whatever it may be. i do want Him to have my whole heart, mind & soul. I want to be completely surrendered to Him.

there’s just so much working against Him.

and that is no excuse. i will not be held back by excuses as long as He gives me the strength to follow Him. i will not drag my feet because it seems easier to sit idly by. i will not sacrifice my service to my King in order to indulge a lazy streak.

i hope no one reads this entry. i don’t want to sound like i’m feigning piety. i don’t want to give off the impression that i just want to look good. i struggle. but my struggle isn’t over allegiance or morality (like that tax collector over there.) my struggle is with being busy. being distracted. in the midst of my ‘doing’ church work, i need to make sure that i am serving from the heart, and not from obligation. that my passion drives me, guided by the Spirit, rather than being driven by a list of things to do…

i need to listen for silence. i need to quit saying “i” and allow God to direct me.

God help me.

God forgive me.

Lord have mercy.

Christ have mercy.

Spirit have mercy.