unmarked journal entry:

i try really hard not to be motivated to serve God out of selfishness, as in ‘what will God do for me because i’ve this thing.’ i am not seeking the praise of men, my ego doesn’t need the help, or serving God out of desire for riches here on earth. (just writing that feels slightly sanctimonious and arrogant.) but the truth of the matter is, i serve God out of love and appreciation not because i’m looking for something in return.

but when He speaks of blessings that come from service are we rejecting His gifts when we refuse to acknowledge them? are we spurning His love? am i hurting His heart? Father God, help me find the balance between proper, honorable humility and accepting your gifts as they come. this way, i may acknowledge both the gift and the giver, without taking any credit for myself. all glory & honor & praise be to You, my God and my King, for whom i pour out my life.

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side note:

by the time i got into high school, i had a pretty good grasp on the Scriptures when it came to basic themes, stories & events. and because of that, i was carrying an attitude with me into church each week. the attitude was your basic ‘try & teach me something new’ that was based out of arrogance. my pride was keeping me from coming before the throne on a weekly (or daily) basis. yes, i knew the basics of Scripture, but i had no idea how little i actually knew. thank God for perspective and a few good doses of humility in college. it’s not just a matter of having had more time to read and study, but to slowly come to that understanding that i am not, nor will i ever be God’s gift to humanity (not only in ministry, but in life in general) that was Jesus’ role…and to assume otherwise is a massive mistake based in pride.

so, i have a pretty good understanding of my failings now. i’m sure i will experience more…i’m good at that. but i must also be careful not to skip over the work of God in my day-to-day life. it’s an easy thing to publicly defame myself so that i can look humble. i can call myself out and point out each and every fault i have, and then maybe people will look at me, and say, ‘wow, he’s got it all together. he’s a righteous dude…’

and so, i’m seeking out that happy medium of proper humility and living in the strength and power of God so that, despite my failings, He can still use me for His purposes. it all needs to be about Him in every way possible. when i get myself out of the mix, all this will be much easier to get a handle on…”He must become greater, i must become less…” john 3:30