(unmarked journal entry – presumably luke 3)

i am fully aware of just how inadequate i am.

i am mindful of my sins, and they bring me pain daily. they are a reminder of the futility of my own works. i am the lowest of the low, one who knows the truth of Christ, but still continues to sin. when will i ever get it through my thick skull and impoverished will, that i need to allow God to aid me (guide, really) in every decision i make?

i am lost.

but praise God! i am not alone, He has revealed to me a righteousness that comes to me through faith in Jesus Christ. i can never earn it for myself. i can’t steal it or manufacture it in any way. it is given to me through grace, and by faith. and all my best efforts wouldn’t even come close. praise God! that through the sacrifice of Jesus, i can be made pure, righteous, holy and worthwhile. my life can be an example of just how far His grace can go!

praise God! praise God! praise God!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i don’t remember what was going on when i wrote this, but obviously the weight of my sin was heavy on my shoulders that morning. there were no major indiscretions going on, i can say that for certain. but the daily weight of sin can beat me down, and then knowledge of just who i am, and how often i fail…spending just a moment thinking about it makes me understand just how unworthy i am.

and as painful as reminders of our own sin can be, looking at john the baptists’ call to repentance, we must examine ourselves in order to repent. you can’t just say, ‘i won’t do that stuff anymore,’ but not acknowledge what it was.

we have to acknowledge what our weaknesses are, and if there is a road/path in life to avoid, then we must acknowledge what and where they are, so we can avoid them and ask God for strength to do so. i cannot pretend that i am perfect for even a moment, or that i do not need help. i know better than that, and to act otherwise is arrogant and foolish.

so, when i remember Jesus, i must also remember why i need Him so badly. each day i am presented with choices to make. they have consequences that bear a deeper significance than i am wont to admit. and so, i must examine myself, asking God to reveal the areas of my heart that need to be repaired, and painful as that may be, it is better to  ask for His help now than to await His judgment hoping that i was good enough on my own. i know better.

Father, have mercy.

Christ, have mercy.

Spirit, have mercy.

save this wretched man from himself, and use me for Your glory.