(unmarked journal entry – presumably from luke 4)

i always wonder if i am living up to my role and calling as a Christian.

i know that i mess up. i know that i fall short. but i’m not trying to sneak anything past God. i desire perfection in my life, but at the same time i know that i cannot accomplish it while i still live. so i am never pleased with my efforts. they all seem tainted and incomplete (to me).

the good side of this, is that when something good does happen, i know it must be God at work. i know that He can make my trainwreck efforts into a master work. praise God!

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there is a danger to this self-defeating attitude. and that danger is assuming that anything i might do won’t be worth doing, because of the possibility of failure or just being wrong. and so i may sit, and do nothing. or i may become cynical of the whole process, and criticize rather than accomplish something for God’s sake.

i think the apostle paul had a healthy understanding of his own failings, and God’s successes in spite of him. we do need to acknowledge where we are weak, so we can get help from God and from others who have already been down the paths we tread. but we also need to have faith that God will do what He says He will in us and through us. even when we fail, God is faithful. even when we are weak, He is still strong. even when we fall flat on our faces, in a mess of our own creation, He is there to pick us up, clean us off and move us forward.

so we shouldn’t hesitate to act for Him, and for His sake, just so long as we check our pride at the door, examine our motives and let Him do the leading. because then, we have made ourselves available, not asserted ourselves as being in charge. we will taste success when, and only when, He leads the way.