We recently wrapped up a teaching series at church called ‘Parenting Beyond Your Capacity’ by Reggie Joiner and Cary Nieuwhof. They base everything from Moses’ declaration to the people of Israel from Deuteronomy 6. It’s a wonderful study and it helps us as parents gain a new and different perspective on parenting.
Without giving too many spoilers away, Cary and Reggie introduced a new phrase into my parenting handbook. It was simply spoken and brilliantly worded. It reveals the heart of what we as parents are trying so hard to communicate with our children and students. It echoes the heart of God, and when spoken truthfully, it can diffuse arguments and tear down barriers.
The phrase was this:

“I am fighting for you, not with you.”

That’s it, fighting ‘for’ not ‘with’ and it has made all the difference. We have always made it our practice to talk with our children before administering and kind of punishment, be it a grounding, a spanking or a chore to be done. We talk about why the choice was poorly made, what it means to make a better choice. But even after all that, this simple phrase has introduced a whole new aspect into our discussions with them.
Because honestly, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ parents administer discipline, it’s just a matter of ‘when.’ Any parent that is worth their salt is going to show love through correction. It doesn’t mean that spanking happens daily. But correction and teachable moments do happen daily. And to be able to articulate intelligently with your child (no matter their age) and explain that your role as a parent is to help sculpt and mold them into an honest, truthful, God-fearing human being and that your role as parent also means that you must administer discipline from time to time. It is based in love and concern for them and their future.

As I type this, one of my children is shoveling out the chicken coop as part of their punishment for a series of lies they told. We had a nice long talk about it, we explained how the lies made us feel. We asked if they felt remorse, not just for being caught, but because of what they did, and we explained again to them that we were fighting for them in this, not with them.

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.”
Hebrews 12:7-12

Most children and even adults don’t want to be told ‘it builds character’ but a life built on ‘fun’ and the ever elusive search for ‘happiness’ will always leave us disappointed. But a solid life, founded in love and forged through the honesty that comes from self evaluation and repentance will never disappoint. It will, instead, point the heart toward Christ & glorify the One who loves beyond all understanding. And as a parent, that’s what I want for my children.