Have you ever been walking into work and notice a coworker looks down? They may have their “act normal” face on, but their eyes don’t lie. You can see it…something is wrong.

Seeing and Understanding the Signs

You don’t have to have a masters in psychology to see when someone is sad. The shoulders slump, the eyes point down and may be a little red from crying. The pace is slower, the voice is lower, quieter. They are socially disengaged. We’ve all been there, and we know how that feels. The motivation for work is hard to find, but you can tell they’re barely present.

Points of Caution

Now, depending on where you work, that can have serious ramifications. If you’re the person watching the controls at the nuclear power plant, keeping that temperature down, or if you’re a surgeon, or operating heavy equipment…there are some serious ramifications that can come from being distracted at work. Any job can get sidelined by a lack of focus. It doesn’t have to be a physically dangerous job. Just think about the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” when Uncle Billy misplaces the cash for the deposit. Sorrow and depression can cause a forgetful state, and all kinds of things can happen.

What to Do with Those Questions

Now, the odds say that you, reading this right now, are likely not a trained counselor or therapist. So, you’ll likely already feel inadequate to connect with this person before you’d even begin. You may ask questions like:

• What do I say to them?
• How do I even begin?
• What if I make them more upset?
• What if they just don’t want to talk to anyone?
• What if they get angry at me, like really angry?
• What if they just start throwing everything in their life at me?
• What if they keep me from starting on time?
• Who would I point them toward?
• What if they need help I can’t give?

…and the list goes on, right? Well, what if you ask a question of them that gives you time to get your thoughts together and prepare a bit? What if you gently and kindly say something like:

• Hey, I hope you’re doing okay. If there’s anything you need to talk about, I can eat lunch with you later today. Would that be okay?
• Hey [name], I just want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk sometime. Want to catch up later?
• [Name], we haven’t caught up lately. Would you up to grabbing lunch later?

I’m sure you get the idea. We’re addressing the issue at hand without calling them out directly, but we’re also letting them know we see them. In that simple approach, we’re also letting them know someone cares, and not putting pressure on them for an immediate “info dump” from whatever is going on in their life. Everyone gets time to process and get ready.

Space and Time

The other impression or feeling we might get is a need to “fix” the issue, or that we need to have an answer for whatever is going on in their life –in that moment–. When in reality, we all know life isn’t a sitcom where everyone’s problems get wrapped up in 22 minutes and it ends with a smile. More than likely, whatever is bothering them didn’t happen all at once. They didn’t get feeling that way in an instant. So, we can expect that it’s going to take some time to figure things out.

Also, you still have your life to live and so do they. Everyone needs space and time to process, take reasonable baby steps, and to seek out options for help. There isn’t the false pressure, the “tyranny of the urgent” that has to be addressed in that moment of time.

Everyone can breathe. There’s no rush.

Helpful Starting Places
If the situation is dire, and requires immediate help, then sure having some numbers or links handy might help:

• 988 for Suicidal Thoughts/Ideation/Plans
• 800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline
• BiblicalCounseling.com
• MentalHealthGraceAlliance.org
• CalledToPeace.org – Christian Ministry helping women in abusive situations with local advocates
• 1-800-525-5683 – K-LOVE Pastors Questions and Prayer line
• 1-855-255-7729 = Billy Graham Prayer Line

Or, you can take the time you created to call your church & pastor to ask for help, too.
They need to know they aren’t alone, and you need to know you don’t have to help them on your own, or even all at once. And knowing what healthy boundaries look like ahead of time is incredibly helpful, too, and can remove some of the fear around helping.