Have you ever been deeply disappointed by someone you care about? We all know what it feels like to be let down, but sometimes that sorrow comes from people you work with, a friend, or even a family member. It’s confusing. It hurts, and it can leave us feeling like other people may not care, because this person who is “supposed to be” close to you didn’t meet your expectations.

Gaining Perspective and Assessing

My wife and I have a saying, “Consider the source.” That usually applies to situations where we are dealing with a difficult person, or someone who has a history of being out of sorts in one way or another. It helps us remember that person’s opinion should be held with a degree of both grace and hesitancy. We don’t want to let their unhealth take a toll on our mental or emotional landscape. Boundaries are healthy and good.

But when it’s someone we’ve held a little more closely, in a higher esteem or would even have shown love to in the past, that point of consideration doesn’t really apply…or does it?

If we look to the depths of the human heart, there are two base sins that define all of our poor choices. The first and chief of them all is Pride. And the companion is often Fear. As we consider the disappointing actions of others, it is also good to do what Jesus Himself called us to do, and that is to check for a “log” in our own eye before we call out the “splinter” in the eye of the other person.

Biblical Perspective
Honest self-assessment is always beneficial. But, once we’ve checked our heart before the Lord, and have asked Him to help us understand our own struggles, we can take the hurt to Him, too, and ask Him to help us process it in a healthy way. Scripture is very plain in Romans 3:10-11,

“as it is written:

“None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.”

and in verse 23,

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” 

There isn’t one perfect person on this earth. When one of them hurts us, we shouldn’t be surprised. And this both is and is not a statement of judgment. On on hand we are acknowledging our collective sinfulness. I cannot expect any human being I interact with to be perfect. There isn’t one that won’t at some time, and in some way frustrate or upset me. Likewise, I know that there isn’t a human being out there that I interact with that I won’t upset or frustrate at some time, in some way.

We are all guilty.

On the other hand, while we do not hold judgment over the soul of another person, we can judge the fruit of that life according to biblical standard, (e.g. – someone claims to be a Christian, but is a malicious gossip, or regularly lies about things, and remains unrepentant, look to James 5) and whether it is a set pattern of behavior over time or if it’s a one-off offense, we can understand something must be going on in the heart and mind to produce that poor behavior. And, then, in Christ, we seek to forgive as we have been forgiven.

Forgiveness, Boundaries and Counsel

Because we all fall far short of perfection, there are times where we may need to set up some boundaries after being hurt. We’re not talking about a permanent break, but a healthy breather so we don’t react poorly in response, and so we can assess if their poor choices were a one-time concern, or if new patterns may be emerging.

And, prayerfully, we ask the Lord to help us and strengthen us to forgive. We need His wisdom, because ours is deeply flawed by sin, to guide us through hurt and hopefully toward healing.

And if there are patterns of behavior that emerge, we may need to seek solid, God-honoring counsel to help us take further steps to possibly maintain boundaries or develop communication to express our hurts and concerns in a healthy way. This is where a Pastor, Counselor or a trained professional can act as an unbiased 3rd party regarding our hardship.

But forgiveness must always come, even as trust may need to be rebuilt.

Cautions and Closing
We shouldn’t gossip in return. We don’t air our grievances online or with emotionally unhealthy people who will just stoke those fires. I call those people “drama vultures” as they tend to circle around the troubles in the lives of people they interact with, feeding on the drama it creates. Be on guard against bitterness, anger and attitudes of unforgiveness. Those can be worse than the original offense.

As Christians, forgiveness is our chief weapon against holding on to hurts. Reading Romans 12:18 and Matthew 18’s parable of “The Unmerciful Servant” will often help us keep the proper perspective. We should always turn to God’s Word and good counsel in times of hurt. Those are gifts from Him who loves us in spite of our brokenness in sin.

“…but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8